Anxiety and me

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This is a post I’ve started to write many times and then stopped. We all know the statistic that 1 in 4 adults experience a mental health problem of some kind every year. Well I am one of those people. I have suffered from severe anxiety for a number of years, having first spoken to a doctor in 2014. I have always been a worrier, a cautious person, but around 10 years ago I realised my anxious nature was getting out of control.  Why am I writing about this now? My anxiety levels vary from time to time and generally for the last couple of years I have managed it by myself. However,  I had a particularly bad week last week and thought it may help to write my thoughts down.

What causes my anxiety and what do I get anxious about? it can be anything- asking what I think is a stupid question at work spirals into an anxious meltdown about my work abilities, to a cross word with a family member and then thinking I am the worst wife/sister/daughter etc. Sometimes I have a good couple of months where I have no real bad days and can almost forgot that I have anxiety and then I’ll have quite a bad day of intense worry about a range of things-nearly always things that happened in the past or things that may happen in the future (both of which I know on a good day I can’t control but when my anxiety is high it makes no difference). Last week I had a few of those in a row which hasn’t happened for a long time. For four days I was constantly on the verge of tears, couldn’t sleep, felt alone, and had mild panic attacks-fretting over everything in my life yet at the same time nothing I could pinpoint.

I don’t want this to be a sad post but one of the reasons I started Substack was to have an outlet for my feelings and read others experiences ( I have read many pieces here on mental health which have really helped so thank you). I have felt better the last few days and in a way wanted to write so I can look back and realise I am lucky those feelings didn’t last too long. I brush my anxiety under the carpet, and for a long time hoped it would disappear, trying a number of things to “fix” it. I have been on medication, had 1:1 counselling, group CBT sessions, and during COVID 1:1 phone counselling. All of these helped in the short term but did not take my anxiety away.

It’s hard to explain my anxiety to people who have not experienced mental health issues, and particularly those who have very logical “don’t worry about what they can’t control” minds and whom just cannot understand why I am so anxious. But it has helped to talk to a few trusted people over the years.

My anxiety takes different forms-during manageable times, it is a niggle at the back of my mind prompting worry thoughts which I can quash when needed. However when it is severe it can manifest in mild panic attacks and intense feelings of loneliness, even with someone sat beside me. My confidence also drops-I am quite a shy person with a quiet confidence but on bad days my confidence really drops and I need lots of reassurance.

I don’t have a conclusion as such to this piece other than a calm realisation that I got through a particularly bad patch and I hope if any of you are suffering it may have helped to know you aren’t alone. Thank you for reading….. and carry on for the usual reading and running segments. Both activities do help with my mental health, and I have taken particular comfort in them this week.

Reading

When I can’t sleep I have a handful of comfort books to try and help. This week I reread “One Day” by David Nicholls, a moving and funny story of two friends (Emma and Dexter) which accounts their lives on the same day over a 20 year period. It provided comfort this week and I must have read it over 10 times. What are you reading, or do any of you have comfort books you turn to?

Running

I ran 13k this weekend-longest run of the year so far! It was tough but definitely helped to clear my head abit and give me some much needed confidence. How does exercise help your mental health?

Have a good week all,

Sian